Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Why Do I Want To Smell It?

Typical day for me: wake up, check email, shower, get to the breakfast buffet before it closes at 10am. Fresh orange juice, two hard boiled eggs, three strips of bacon, one blueberry pancake. Maybe two.

Choose your own adventure:

A) Come back to my cabin, get my bag together for the day, take my vitamins with my protein shake, grab my ID and get off the ship and explore the port, walk around and try to act surprised and in a rush when I run into a passenger so that I don’t have to sit and talk to them. Unless they’re interesting. Not stupid.

B) Come back to my cabin, take my vitamins with my protein shake, start watching TV, or a DVD and fall asleep til 1ish.

Either way, I usually have another protein shake by about 1 or 2, grab lunch if I feel like it that day, check my email again, lay in bed as we sail away and play Trism on my iPhone. This is usually where I hear my neighbors having sex. “Quietly” they say.

Quiet means I cannot hear you.

Is it just me or does the thought of a hot, muscular, masculine guy with his ass up in the air filled with a dildo just totally ruin the illusion of why I’m gay to begin with? He probably shits out sequins and feather boa’s, too.

Anyway – boring details of a boring life. The point is, I’ve now had two protein shakes and now I’m ready for the gym at about 6ish. I like to time it so that I can go to the gym, shower and be done and ready to eat dinner by the time the dinner buffet closes at 9pm. So sometimes I go to the gym at 7 or 730. Anyway.

Gym. Shower. Take the elevator up to the Deck 9 Buffet. Slyly scope out which co-workers are already there as I’m walking in so that I can ignore them and pretend I didn’t see them when I sit alone so that I don’t have to talk to anyone. It’s dinner. Fork to mouth people. Fork to mouth. If that damn mouth is yapping about nothing the whole time there is not one iota of possibility for that fork to cleanly make it’s way into the food hole. And then I think you’re a slob and I start judging you.

Too much for the dinner table.

Eat dinner, wave goodbye to the people I ignored as if they arrived while I was eating and I didn’t notice them until just now, as I’m walking away.

Get to my cabin. Protein shake #4. Wind down time. Turn on the tube to watch “Planet Earth” for the sixtieth time. Fart.

Change the channel.



Sniff. Lift the covers to waft the smell up to my nose a little more. Comment to myself on how bad it stinks.

Watch more TV. Change the channel again.

Just in case you missed it, here are the steps:

1. Long Fart. They get longer and louder as the night goes on.

2. Sniff.

3. Surprise. As if I don’t already know it’s fucking lethal.

Repeat steps 1 – 3 until I fall asleep.

Why do I WANT TO smell it?

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Someone Is Watching

Yesterday I was in London and took a boat to the Tate Modern on the River Thames, just West of the London Bridge. For some reason, my ear kept drawing in these conversations of judgement and, in my opinion, bad parenting. I kept hearing things like, "Don't tell me you're awake I can tell you've been sleeping..." "Did you JUST drink last night? Anything else?" ... "Well now you definitely don't deserve that unless you get all of your sentences right for homework..." "Because you did this, now you don't deserve to have play time..." and I just kept getting captivated by the fact that these people, the captors in essence, were taking no responsibility in expressing what they probably thought was their "good judgement." I mean - you tell a kid that he can't have fun in his life now because it's something that he needs to come to "deserve." Bad kid. Wrong choice. But, now they know, right? "They will learn eventually..." (it killed me to see this!) Or, you get a call back from someone who you've been calling all morning but hasn't answered their phone due to the fact that they were sleeping off a hangover, and instead of hello, you say, "I can tell when you've been sleeping, don't lie to me." It's like, "Welcome back to the world after a great night out, now you're already wrong and I've caught you. And fuck you."

Who are we? More importantly, "Who am I" is what I realized. It wasn't that I got all wrapped up emotionally in these viral exchanges; I wasn't willing to take responsibility for what I perceived as the misstep of someone else (and I was on the verge of having a great day). I did, however, sit back and silently judge, as the "knowing one" in the background. I sat there and thought, "Look at what my life gets to be when I don't engage or take part or contribute to that kind of thinking and judgement." And even by having made that win, I was doing the very thing that I thought separated me from "the idiots."

Let It Be.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

test post - ill be writing again soon...

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


I'm on a west coast tour for a certain company that I've been working for; they've asked that we be careful about blogging, etc. and considering my vulgar blogging history I decided to leave their name out altogether. ANYWAY - this tour is FLUFFY!! Here are some pictures from the Hyatt, where we stayed in San Jose last night. LOVE IT. Don't miss the iPod player... brilliant.

Saturday, September 01, 2007


Friday, August 31, 2007

VLOG - Asshole Calamari And Other Things...

Sunday, June 24, 2007


Is anyone else FLIPPING OUT at the thought of seeing this!? I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!! Look at the cast of women. It's over. How can they top that!?

God I hope it's good.