Why Do I Want To Smell It?
Choose your own adventure:
A) Come back to my cabin, get my bag together for the day, take my vitamins with my protein shake, grab my ID and get off the ship and explore the port, walk around and try to act surprised and in a rush when I run into a passenger so that I don’t have to sit and talk to them. Unless they’re interesting. Not stupid.
B) Come back to my cabin, take my vitamins with my protein shake, start watching TV, or a DVD and fall asleep til 1ish.
Either way, I usually have another protein shake by about 1 or 2, grab lunch if I feel like it that day, check my email again, lay in bed as we sail away and play Trism on my iPhone. This is usually where I hear my neighbors having sex. “Quietly” they say.
Quiet means I cannot hear you.
Is it just me or does the thought of a hot, muscular, masculine guy with his ass up in the air filled with a dildo just totally ruin the illusion of why I’m gay to begin with? He probably shits out sequins and feather boa’s, too.
Anyway – boring details of a boring life. The point is, I’ve now had two protein shakes and now I’m ready for the gym at about 6ish. I like to time it so that I can go to the gym, shower and be done and ready to eat dinner by the time the dinner buffet closes at 9pm. So sometimes I go to the gym at 7 or 730. Anyway.
Gym. Shower. Take the elevator up to the Deck 9 Buffet. Slyly scope out which co-workers are already there as I’m walking in so that I can ignore them and pretend I didn’t see them when I sit alone so that I don’t have to talk to anyone. It’s dinner. Fork to mouth people. Fork to mouth. If that damn mouth is yapping about nothing the whole time there is not one iota of possibility for that fork to cleanly make it’s way into the food hole. And then I think you’re a slob and I start judging you.
Too much for the dinner table.
Eat dinner, wave goodbye to the people I ignored as if they arrived while I was eating and I didn’t notice them until just now, as I’m walking away.
Get to my cabin. Protein shake #4. Wind down time. Turn on the tube to watch “Planet Earth” for the sixtieth time. Fart.
Change the channel.
Sniff. Lift the covers to waft the smell up to my nose a little more. Comment to myself on how bad it stinks.
Watch more TV. Change the channel again.
Just in case you missed it, here are the steps:
1. Long Fart. They get longer and louder as the night goes on.
3. Surprise. As if I don’t already know it’s fucking lethal.
Repeat steps 1 – 3 until I fall asleep.
Why do I WANT TO smell it?